By: Steven Tobias, Psy.D.
What do Character Education, Mindfulness, religion, emotional intelligence, Weight Watchers, and your mother all have in common? They all want you to think before you act, which is actually hard to do.
As human beings, we tend to do what we “feel” like. When we act based solely on our emotions, we are using our reptilian brains, and then we shouldn’t be surprised when we respond like an alligator, chameleon, or snake in a highly charged emotional situation. Unfortunately, we have a strong tendency to respond reflexively with “fight or flight” triggered by primitive parts of the brain. Thinking seems to be a fragile ability, which is why we have to strengthen it.
So, what can we do? First, soothe the beast. Take care of yourself. Have fun. Be with others you love. Do meaningful and rewarding activities. This reduces the stress that feeds the tyrannosaurus inside you. Yes, you are too busy with work, needs of your family, home, and distraction of screens (but that’s for another blog). Get your calendar (I’ll wait)… Put “ME” time on the calendar. Do it now, or you will never “find” the time. You can decide later what to do, but make sure it is what you want and is pleasurable.
The above is a prerequisite for thinking. The more stressed you are and focused on others, the harder it is to think. Now that your life is back in balance, let’s work on thinking.
- Reflect: What is going on? How do I and others feel? This stimulates your deliberate human brain to control your impulsive reptilian brain.
- Consider: What is your goal? This will give you direction and purpose.
- Decide: What can you do? What else? What have you done before? The more solutions you can brainstorm, the better chance of success. Then, set a deliberate plan: who is involved, what are you going to do, when are you going to do it, where are your going to do it, and how are you going to do it? By the way, the “why” is so that you can get what you want.
This is doing what you think like, not what you feel like, and is more likely to get you what you want emotionally, socially, and materially.
Want to learn more? Join us for the next webinar in our SEL Expert Webinar Series presented by Steven Tobias, Psy.D. This webinar will teach how to be aware of and control emotions that lead us to poor decision making, how to set deliberate goals for oneself, and how to follow through with actions that are consistent with what one really wants. The trick is to “think” while feeling, and this is harder than one might think.
By: Steven Tobias, Psy.D.
Steven Tobias, Psy.D., is the director of the Center for Child and Family Development in Morristown, New Jersey. He has over thirty years of experience working with children, parents, families, and schools. Dr. Tobias feels a strong commitment to children’s social and emotional development and provides consultation to schools as a way of reaching many children, including those who are underserved in terms of their social and emotional needs. He has coauthored several books with Dr. Maurice Elias, including Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers. He has given lectures throughout the United States on topics related to parenting and children’s emotional development. Dr. Tobias lives in New Jersey. Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D Professor of Psychology at Rutgers., and Steven E. Tobias, Psy.D Director for Center of Child and Family development are the authors of several books including: Boost Emotional Intelligence in Students and Emotionally Intelligent Parenting.